Mop-Up Nitro 11.04.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
How come, all of the sudden, Eric Bischoff's possible WCW return is thought of as GOOD NEWS?
I mean, sure, he made WCW the number 1 company for a while, but didn't he also preside over the downfall of WCW too? Haven't his numerous failures been listed more than enough times?
Like I said in this week's AAT... they are... well, why spoil it. Just read the thing.
NITRO: (or Held back by Fit FINLAY?? Oh come ON, Ric!)
-I tune in just in time to see...
-Jeff Jarrett, on a field, hit some douchebag in a costume with his Guitar. Then Jarrett suggests that he choke on the shards of wood that have obviously lodged in his throat. This has something to do with "Cornhuskers"... I don't know, I don't follow Field Hockey. I didn't even know Field Hockey was all that popular.
-WCW Logo.
-Video clips inform us that Scott Steiner has the night off tonight. He's on cruise control, baby.
-What? Hugh Rection? Yeah, Okay... that'll break a sweat.
-There are other things that needed mention too.
-No fan on this Planet needs to hear an announcer scream, "OH... MY... GOD!!! IT'S SID... VICIOUUUUUUUS" like that.
-The BIG question is... will we get "dumb" Sid, as Russo scripted him? Or will we get "Genius" Sid, as Sullivan scripted him?
-We go LIVE as the Natural Born Thrillers are standing in a hallway... WAITING!!
-and so they wait...
-and wait...
-Shawn Stasiak is seen picking his nose
-Shawn Stasiak is seen extracting a green/yellow mass from the left nostril
-Shawn Stasiak is seen looking to see if his friends are watching him.
-Shawn Stasiak is seen placing green/yellow mass in his mouth
-Shawn Stasiak is seen chewing
-Someone yells, "SOMETIME BEFORE RAW STARTS, SANDERS??"
-Sanders starts to walk. The crew follows suit. Shawn Stasiak spits out his mass. It lands on Sanders shoulder. It stays there through the rest of the show. God Bless WCW. It's ALWAYS something with this group.
-They run into the returning OKLAHOMA... who officially now looks NOTHING like Jim Ross save for the hat. Oklahoma and Sanders have something planned for tonight and Okie wants to be sure there is security for him because what he has to say will be so DANGEROUS!!! (if he's going to out Patterson, tell him not to bother!). Sanders promise back-up. They shake hands. Okie says, "T.C.O.B." baby. Then leaves. (Err... Torrie Caresses Old Balls" "Torrie Comes On Bischoff"? Well, no wonder she was hired!)
-commercials... (did I miss the opening theme? Or did Siegal dump it and save the company ANOTHER $50?)
-Opening theme. Alas... there's another $50 they will never see again.
-Vampiro is still in the credits, even though I know it wasn't even REMOTELY near any sort of conscious thought in that brain of yours.
-Tony welcomes us to "the last month of the year 2000" (wouldn't it be sort of cool, in an apocalyptic sense, if the Y2K Bug destroyed everything in 2001? Catching EVERYONE with their pants down? Eww... then our hopes would lie in the hands of... GEORGE W???)
-We may have made a horrible mistake... and I might have backed the wrong pony
-RECOUNT THOSE BALLOTS, DAMMIT!!! EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!!!!!
-Tony welcomes us to the show. They are at the "Percy Auditorium", in Lincoln, Nebraska. The very HEART of the... umm... HEARTLAND!!
-Tony shows that deep down, he is a FAGGOT, by effeminately calling Tub of Shit Madden the "Best Looking Big Man on Television"... what's the matter, Tony? YOU WANNA STICK SOMETHING OF YOURS UP THAT HUGE BROWN HOLE???
-Hey, he keeps doing that, I'll keep calling him gay.
-And you KNOW that Mark isn't clean back there. There is no WAY he can reach the cavity with his toilet paper... I bet it's all chapped, and smeared... I bet his pants have streaks in them... some showing on the outside. Yeah, I bet annnny money. He's a total mess back there.
-What do you expect? THE MAN HASN'T SEEN HIS PENIS SINCE JFK WAS STILL ALIVE!!
-Still... Tony's enthusiam is contagious. I feel excited to be watching tonight. LET'S THROW ALL WRESTLING BIASNESS AWAY AND JUST REVEL IN SOME GOOD ACTION AND FUN ANGLES!! LET'S JUST BE WRESTLING FANS FOR TODAY!!! TODAY, LET'S ALL BE HAPPY!!!
-Mr. Hyatte, Mr. Hyatte?
-Yeah? You, over there in Pennsylvania... can I help you?
-Can you do "Mr. Crabtree" for us?
-Oh Jeeze. You know, I just said that today should be about having fun and being in good cheers! Why do you want me to do "Mr Crabtree?
-Oh come on, King Hyatte. Do "Mr Crabtree"!!
-*sigh*... okay... but only because this is the first time I've ever taken requests mid-column. This is going to ruin my happy mood. This will ruin the entire recap!!
-MIS-TER CRAB-TREE... MIS-TER CRAB-TREE
-all right, knock it off... here we go... *ahem... A-HEM*
-...
-...
-YOU DAMN KIDS STAY OFF OF MY LAWN!!!!!!!
-thank you, thank you.
-Oh, now everything sucks again... DAMMIT... my whole mood... RUINED
-THAT A-HOLE, OKLAHOMA comes out... Madden called him "a worthless, miserable human being", but acknowledged that he was also one of the best Announcers there is. Then he recanted, claiming to have confused him with "someone else"... *wink wink, nudge nudge*
-Man... people HATE JR. I once asked Tony in an e-mail, trying to get him to bash Eric, who was the single worst a-hole in the business. He shot right back, Good Ol' JR is just a pure prick, through and through. I couldn't believe it.
-Of course, that does NOT give Madden ANY right to... to... well, looks like I'm going to have to start talking about his MOTHER again!!!
-BIG sign that read "TITO PDC" Funny, I heard he died. Berry made a big stink about it.
-If I die... would you guys promise to try to bring a sign to every show for like... a month? Well, of course you'll promise... but you won't do it. Oh no... you're too busy making brilliant signs like "I'D RATHER BE IN CHYNA" and "HEY, I'M ON TV!"
-Tony pushed a Jarrett t-shirt at WCW.com. If they start pushing that Ryder/Scherer book... I'll have a fit.
-So, what is Oklahoma doing there? And why does he have a huge salad bowl with him?
-He introduces himself as Oklahoma... then does it again. Madden starts... mooing?... Which might be the most honest thing he's ever said!
-We are in Nebraska. A guy named "Oklahoma" is out there drawing HUGE heat... and Tony just referenced Miami. What THE F**K is going on and WHY ARN'T I FAST FORWARDING THROUGH THIS????
-WAAAAIT... does this have something to do with that Field Hockey thing?
-The crowd starts chanting "BIIIG RED, BIIIG RED". Tony actually acknowledges that they are cheering KANE?!?!?!?!!??!?!? MY GOD IN HEAVEN????? DID THEY JUST SIGN KANE????
-Madden keeps mooing. Hudson tells him to get the gravy out of his ears. I give up.
-Okie sends the crowd warm greeting from his "boys"... the "number 1 team in the NCAA"... (Isn't that the group that sues you if you make it a point not to hire Black people?)
-Well, if that's the case, no WONDER they're booing him... I'm looking at that Nebraska crowd and I ain't seeing too many Brothers.
-Okie holds up that big bowl. Tony claims to "get it". (GET WHAT???). Okie tells them to take a good look at it, because it's the closest they will get to seeing a "bowl", this season! (Well, they still have plates, right? I mean, eating cereal will be a hassle and all but they'll survive)
-Okie had REAL business tonight, he said that Mike Sanders gave him special permission to deal with one member of the WCW roster. (When will he start screaming things out three times in rapid succession? I like it when he did that. I liked it too.)
-He was talking about Sid Vicious... that "swoped up, jacked up, box of rocks"... (huh?)
-Okie said that there was security everywhere in the building, so he feels confident to say what he has to say...
-Crowd chants, "ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE"... of course, TNT tried to time the bleeps out accordingly. Which only makes them look like RANK AMATEURS.
-Okie waited it out... then announced that Mike Sanders has decreed, that if Sid Vicious goes one step out of line... "Security, the Police, the National, By God, Guard, will be on him like White On Rice!!" (I don't know one single white person who has a rice fetish... never even heard that one, before)
-So, Okie left the "Cornhuskers" with one thought... directed towards Sid Vicious... "read my lips, Sid Vicious..."
-Suddenly, Sid came out. Okie started to scream for Security. He warned Sid several times.
-Then he said, "Sid... I COMMAND you to stop! I COMMAND you to stop!" Which was funny.
-Sid grabs Okie and chokeslams him. Now Tony starts to Moo...
-Mike Sanders and some Cops come out. Sanders announces that Sid is now going to jail. The Announcers act like this was A GROUNDBREAKING MOVE. Tony screamed, "IF SID GOES TO JAIL THE COURSE OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING WILL BE CHANGED FOREVER!!!"
-Sid is cuffed. Sid refuses to fight back because he's a Face and Faces RESPECT the Cops. (if your kids grow up worshipping SID... seek... help...Therapist... NOW!!!!!)
-Sid's escorted away. Okie is assisted.
-Sid's placed in a car and taken away. Tony sends us to the night's first set off...
-commercials
-HEY... was all that bowl shit talking about College Football?
-Really?
-COLLEGE football? All those people, going so nuts?
-Jesus H. Get a LIFE, people.
-Backstage, Scott Steiner and his own personal COW(!!!) grabs Mike Sanders and tells him to line up Sid for tonight. Sanders says that it's too late, and Sid's already in jail for the evening. Steiner wants to know who's responsible? Sanders blames Flair. Steiner throws his lead pipe and tells Sanders to tell Flair that "No one is safe, tonight! Especially Flair!" (well, *I* am!! So go F-yourself, Juice-Boy!)
-Elsewhere Paula Pollshock is there to help us all hear the wit and wisdom of the douchebag named "Konan". The Harris Boys AND Jeff Jarrett were all treated to barbs from his acerbic wit. (He even called someone a "cranberry"... OH, how ribald!)
-We see that somewhere along the line, Chavo Loco has defected from the MIA's
-We see that Chavo Guererro Jr. is officially BACK. Madden thinks that he will "make an impact" here at WCW (Really? After only FOUR YEARS???)
-Kwee Wee come out with Paisley. GOODBYE!!!!!!!!
-commercials
-Sanders passes Steiner's message onto Flair. Ric asks if Sanders really needs to keep looking up at the ceiling while he is talking to him? (Hey, that's where the "Flyin' Saucers" come from... Sanders ain't all that far removed from the trailer trash he accuses everyone else of being!)
-Flair bitches at Sanders for throwing Sid in jail... says that Steiner doesn't have the balls to do anything (that bleach must finally be seeping in)... but just inn case, Sanders is to go beef up security. Sanders takes off while Ric goes to see about getting Sid out of jail.
-Meanwhile, someone over the phone hires the APA... and here's ANOTHER GODDAM RIPPED OFF GIMMICK THAT MAKES ME TOO SICK TO EVEN COMMENT ON!!! I FULLY REALIZE THAT WRESTLING ALWAYS RIPS ITSELF OFF, BUT THIS IS JUST SO F-ING BLATANT, AND SO F-ING PATHETIC.
-Meanwhile, Mean Gene has General Rection. Rection talks about an incident with Torrie Wilson... "I didn't mean for it to happen! I just slipped and whoops, sorry Torrie! My dick went right into her lap!"
-He also says that Chavo has a new attitude... so who cares?
-He then starts YELLING about how he will fool the WORLD and win the WCW tonight! (He'll also fool Steiner AND the Bookers if he pulls it off).
-You can buy a Lance Storm t-shirt at WCW.com. Frankly, I am AMAZED that his shirt doesn't have an X-Ray of a broken bone on it.
-Team Canada comes out. Only one of them is going for the Hardcore belt. It's a shame that it ain't Storm, who should be trying to score the Hat Trick again.
-Storm gets on the mic and pauses. Hudson, "I bet he wants to be serious!"
-Storm, "If I can be serious for a minute." HAW!! I swear, that never fails to delight me. It's the BEST DAMN CATCHPHRASE GOING!!! (sort of)
-Storm goes on to say that Skippy Dixstocking does his homies in Canada proud today be taking the Hardcore belt and re-naming it the "Sascockjewuan (heh) Hardcore International Title" (Ib INTENTIONALLY hit the pause button here because I am warning you... if Madden tries to show how Goddam witty he is by quickly pointing out the obvious joke... I will do something MEAN, NJASTY, SICK, AND DEPRAVED to his Mother!!! I WIL, I WILL, I WILL!! YOU WANTED MR CRABTREE?? WELL BY CHRIST, YOU'VE GOT HIM!!!!
-Madden didn't say anything, lucky fat F**K... I may STILL defecate on his momma anyway... just for F**k's sake. Storm demanded that all these hardcore implements be taken away as they play his National Anthem.
-Tony, acting as if he is more familiar with Hardcore than even the Sandman screamed, "HOW CAN YOU HAVE A HARDVCORE MATCH WITHOUT ANY HARDCORE WEAPONS????"
-Suddenly Ernest Miller and HIS prize came out. Madden calls them "George and Wheezi" (HAH... okay... that as funny. Momma Madden may get a break this week after all.)
-Storm takes a seat with the Announcers. Miller and the hood ornament (oh she looks like she's ... she's... I have no idea where I was going here... so nevermind). Went to the other side (Madden's side). Miller grabs the mic and tells Storm that he did NOT come here to fight. He just came to watch the match. He didn't even want to start trouble with Madden. Then he put the mic down, grabbed a seat, and sat. Madden gave him his headset, as a sign of good faith.
-Then, Crowbar comes out... along with the returning Daffney. Daffney was wearing a blue wig... no doubt because Miss Kitty wears a black wig and WCW MUST IMITATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
-Every time Crowbar was thrown out of the ring... Hacksaw Jim Duggan went to work with his Crowbar. HOOOOOOOOOO
-Since no one cares about Crowbar and if there was a physically possible way for there to be a number less than "no one", that number would make up Elixer's fan base... we'll blow off the match and instead say that Daffney and Gunns got into a catfight... (which Madden screamed three times)... Madden started bickering with Miller... called him and whatserface "George and Wheezi"... and was choked by Miller (Madden's more of a mark for himself than Russo EVER was). Storm attacked Miller, because Madden's a PUSSY ASS FEMALE SLOB WHO NEEDS PROTECTION FROM THE SCARY BLACK MAN. He held Miller for Duggan. Duggan hit Storm with the 2x4 by mistake. Crowbar pinned Douche Bigelexio and kept the belt. I now officially VOW to beat the living shit out of Mark Madden the moment I have an opportunity (in other words... don't hold yer breath).
-Oh MAN... hit the pause button on Crowbar's face one day... this is one FUGLY MOTHERFU**A
-commercials
-Jimmy Hart is at it again. That little bastard. This waste of time. This waste of breath. Of all the nerve... of all the AUDACITY. WHY ARE THEY RUINING A WCW THAT IS FINALLY DECENT WITH THIS??? WHY GODDAMMIT, WHY???
-You know what? I caved in and decided to listen to ManFAG today... Tuesday morning. Some poor suckass AM station on RI took pity and hired him. AM... mind you, where NO money is made, so you KNOW Mancow is only syndicating for the glamour... he's not making any money off it.
-I lasted ten minutes. That's it. I'll tell you what I heard. I heard him berate a pair of authors who were selling a book about having orgasms. Oh yeah, he wasn't like Stern at all. He was just asking them about "fisting", and "eating the stink star", and other hilarious stuff.
-Oh, and of course... he bragged about making his "Honey" orgasm 15 times before he does it once. Because he is a radio/rock&roll;/bad boy!! He is also probably a little faggot who likes to takes it up the seat from various members of the Latin Kings. Scumwad. Can't he get AIDS yet? Can't he not find out that he has it until it's totally raging through his body and it's too late to save him?
-Is this all it takes to be funny? To be so loud and forceful that you just talk over everyone else? He wouldn't give the poor authors... who were obviously so desperate to sell their book that they sat there and took this nightmare... a chance to make a complete sentence. He just speaks loud, and fast, and controls the conversation by turning their volume WAAAY down. That's it. Yeah... HE'S A F-ING GENIUS!!
-Then he played a parody of Madonna's "music" which hawked a Mancow shirt. He has to make some money since he whores himself out to the radio stations like a 42 year old Lice infested crackhead.
-Then he begged his MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of listeners to call him. I tried, but I forgot the number and I had a recap to do. I'll call him one day... and scream, "YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK"... he'll hang up in a second.
-Finally.. and this is what burned me. He played a prank phone call from someone called the "Touchtone Terrorist" (Think "The Jerky Boys") The thing is... I listened to it for ten seconds... then shut my radio off. I was all done with Mancow.
-Know why? Well, I'll tell you.
-Because I heard the EXACT SAME BIT FROM THE EXACT SAME GUY 6 MONTHS AGO ON HOWARDS STERN!!!! THEN THE GUY APPEARED ON STERN'S SHOW!!! Not A phone call... THE EXACT SAME ONE!!
-TEN MINUTES WITH MANCOW AND HE RIPS OFF STERN BLATANTLY. F-YOU, MANCOW. F-YOU, FANS OF MANCOW!!! YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER!!! YOU ARE ALL UNORIGINAL, UNIMAGINATIVE, PIECES OF SHIT!! YOU ALL CAN DIE FROM A 12 GAUGE SHOTGUN BLAST IN THE BALLS AND BLEED OUT IN THE MOST AGONIZING PAIN POSSIBLE!!! YOU SUCK, MANCOW SUCKS, JIMMY HART SUCKS, AND WCW IS ON THE BORDERLINE OF SUCKING HUGE.
-The good news... I've heard from readers in Chicago... many of them hate Mancow too. Nice to see some of you have common sense.
-It'll never happen. But if I ever got into his studio and faced him head on... I'd verbally bury him. He'd yank my mic off and have me thrown out... because he'd be so desperate for control.
-Just for this, I am refusing to recap two WCW segments. I cannot give in until they send Jimmy Hart back to putting oil on the talent's backside. I refuse to cave in.
-segment with the Flair boys and Miss Stacy. Goodbye!
-Segment with Miller and his tramp? Sorry!
-Luger comes out to rag on Goldberg and piss off someone from the Powerplant? Sorry! Bye Bye. Too bad. It was nice and long too. Oh well.
-Goldberg arrives? Nope
-commercials
-Backstage, Norman Smiley and this HOT Nitro Girl were busy plotting how Norman could maybe do something offensive against Goldberg. (Why don't you just lie down as soon as the bell rings? It's not like it's a unheard of practice with this company.) Suddenly, Scott Steiner roars out. the Nitro Girl runs like Hell (typical). Steiner asks Smiley what he is doing there tonight? Smiley says that he has Goldberg. Steiner BONKED him with his lead pipe... FLUSH over the head (HAH... that SOLID lead pipe totally bent on impact, then snapped back straight). Norman went down. Steiner said "Not anymore", and took off.
-Some on WCW is quite intent on making sure Scott Steiner beats the shit out of EVERY SINGLE BLACK PERFORMER IN THE COMPANY!!! You all should be aware. It has gone on for far too long just to be a series of "coincidences"
-Shane Douglas tells Paula Pollshock that AMERICA WILL PAY FOR WHAT IT DID TO TORRIE WILSON!!! But, since one man declaring war on an entire country is foolish, he'll settle for taking it out on the WCW American representative. That would be General Hardon.
-Pre-taped... silly tripe with the MIA's. Hugh Morrus isn't bad. It's cool if you like him. But the other three are simply mind-numbing
-Plus... it looked like this was a deal where Morrus and A-Hole talked to a blue screen and they were edited into a scene where Chavo and Lash were caught talking.
-3 Count came out. MAN, they are just shoving out ALL the heatless wonders this week.
-DDP came out with Kevin Nash. Cool!
-Madden compares Nash's "old" partner to a Rolls Royce and his "new, but oldER" partner to a beat up Dodge. Yeah, that's right. Bring Scott Hall back right now, Mark. That way, Juventud Guerrera can sue WCW for discrimination, make a HELL of a case, win the 20 million that Siegal allegedly saved the company already... plus a few million more just for the hell of it. Good thinking, Madden. Brilliant.
-No mic work for the "Insiders"... just down to business.
-That business being... one of my personal favorite aspects of the sport... the Little Man vs the BIG Man.
-Nash offered Shane a "Test of Strength". Shane couldn't even reach him. I love that crap. HA!!
-BIG sign that read, "RAW JUST STARTED" the owner quickly yanked it away before the WCW Gestapo could rain down.
-Nash with the knee. Elbow to the back of the head.
-Nash gets Shane in the corner and does his "thing".
-Fans scream, "WE WANT HALL!!" Unfortunately, so do a couple of lawyers for a couple of innocent motorists who were puttering down the street one day, minding their own beeswax, when suddenly, a drunk wrestler decided to follow the British rules of the Road and drive on the wrong side of the street. Keep dreaming, kids.
-Oh... right... Bischoff's probably returning. Hall will be back before Valentine's Day
-The WWF should hire him... just to SPITE them.
-Backstage, Sanders and the Perfect Event watch this match and rejoice in some secret plan.
-Page is in... it doesn't get any more one sided than this.
-Double team by 3 Count on Page (because Nash wouldn't put up with it). Madden throws the gauntlet down by saying that this is the "Best Young Tag Team In Any Promotion!" (Oh gee.. now who could he be directly referring to?)
-Of COURSE they are the best tag team... WCW has the best EVERYTHING than "any other promotion!" They just can't win in the ratings because McMahon controls them. That's right... that's the ticket.
-WCW: We DEFY you to Root for us!
-Time to kill this. Jackknife. Diamond Cutter. Pin. Easy as pie.
-Mike Sanders and the PE show up. Sanders has a mic and compliments the Old Guys on their performance.
-Sanders refers to last week, when DDP said that they used to be the "Vegas Connection", and admitted that they "sucked"... well, Sanders quipped that they were not talking about their wrestling ability. (oooo... oooo... a stinging JAB!!)
-Sanders has some bad news for the Insiders... and this news includes...
-Ric Flair. Who steps out to... not much of a pop... sorry to say.
-Flair comes out and says that he's very busy tonight... so let's make this quick.
-Sanders has them roll "Mayhem" footage. After a detailed look at a couple of fine points, Sanders produced proof that Nash did not pin the LEGAL man that night. He pinned the WRONG man and thus, did not REALLY win the tag belts.
-He left it to Flair to make his decision. Flair bitched to Sanders about doing this in front of MILLI... err... RAW's on... THOUSANDS of people. But then sucked it up and...
-Asked Nash and Page to show dignity befitting WCW (HA!!! IS HE STILL WORKING THE MENTAL CASE GIMMICK???) and the dignity befitting the tag team belts (HAW HAW... BUFF F-ING BAGWELL'S F-ING MOTHER ONCE OWNED ONE!!!), could they hand the belts back to Sanders tonight... and Flair will give them something special back real soon.
-Well... after a suitable amount of chest thumping... and after a funny moment where the Boys dropped the belts in the ring and Flair told Sanders to get them if he wants them so bad... and after Sanders fearfully stuck his hands out gingerly (and after Hyatte sandwiches TWO adverbs in front of and behind the verb "stuck" like the moron that he is...) sanders yanked the belts away and took off with them. DDP jawed a bit more on the stick, and the segment ended.
-commercials
-Scott Steiner attacks Mike Awesome. When does Awesome, who gambled his entire rep on this company, get a fair shake and get the packaging he very much deserves? (Well, maybe after he learns how to powerbomb someone without giving them concussions?)
-Reno... Kronik... Vito... the Girl... who cares?
-commercials
-Glacier is coming back. The Announcers goof on him. I am curious now. Where is this heading? It might be sort of cool... (pun unintended)... if done right.
-Crowbar and Daffney are up to no good. Oh, they're not doing anything REALLY... but it's a start of a new angle and trust me, it's no good.
-Ric Flair. Who would have chewed Steiner up for breakfast and crap him out before Lunch not very long ago, has now resorted to ordering Dillenger and his Minions to SCOUR the building in search of this phreak. Leave NO bathroom stall unopened! Search for used syringes if necessary and follow the trail!
-We see how Goldberg made a Kid's LIFE on the "Maury Povich Show". Good for him. One thing I'll ALWAYS give to him... GB loves the kids. (Although I did hear at least ONE story to the contrary... and if you personally have any stories about GB being a prick to kids, let me know.) Still, I can't knock the guy for giving this one kid a thrill. Good for the Big Guy!
-Speaking of Goldberg... he worked against Smooth tonight. Right as I write this, in fact. Like you don't know how this movie ended.
-commercials
-Okay... Scott Steiner was getting JACKED for... Hugh Morrus?? Why?
-Jeff Jarrett came out. He grabbed the mic and told Konan and his posse that he'll take those "Harris Brother Hillbillies" any day over the Filthy Animals... and he'll show the WORLD why at Starrcade! (The WORLD? Ordering STARRCADE??? BWAHAHAHAAA)
-The Filthy Animals came out after JJ dropped a few more catchphrase bombs (buytheshirtdammit). Jarrett hopped out of the ring and told the Ref to send out all the non-essential Filthy Animals... and "take the skank with ya!" (about bloody time someone pointed that out)
-Hudson, "Skank?? GOOD NIGHT!!!"... and bid farewell to the audience who were off to visit RAW!
-The Filthy Animals left... Jarrett attacked Konan. The match got going.
-It went a while...
-Then the Harris Boys interfered and nailed Konan. Jarrett sealed the deal with the Stroke. The Animals ran out and attacked the Harris Boys. A fight broke out. The show ended.
-commercials. Just remember. Your puny brains cannot imagine what will happen at the next WCW PPV... 5 MONTHS AND RUNNING!!! (it is painfully obvious that I am the only one who is bothered by this... either that, or I have now lost 100% of my audience. HELLOOO??? SOMEBODY???)
-Scott Steiner comes out with The Girl with the Fat Ass. (Look at it... it's damn fat)
-Steiner gets on the mic and tells Flair that he is running OUT of wrestlers! All thanks to STEINER!! (with a supporting nod going out to Brad "I check the sofa cushions for spare change" Siegal... who never met a contract he didn't think about re-structuring!)
-Steiner made the declaration... if Flair doesn't produce Sid by the end of the match, Steiner will come right after him. Bet on it!
-Amusingly, Tony gave Steiner the silly old, "Don't count out General Rection!! You'll be sorry!" routine.
-Backstage, Flair heard Steiner's speech and decided to comb through the seats in hopes of finding a few corn-fed farm boys big enough to work Security for the last ten minutes of the show.
-Hugga Rection comes out. With a look of SHEER determination on his face!!!
-Oh bitch PLEASE... Steiner started to pound away.
-Rection hit some offense. He banged out a nice little Flying Clothesline off the top rope.
-Steiner regained control... and kept it for a good 6 minutes or so... he literally just dumped the big boy around in a good ol' fashioned showcase.
-Morrus waged a BIT of offense. Was able to hit the big Moonsault. When Steiner kicked out of the pin attempt, Morrus tried it again. Steiner didn't let him get away with it.
-We got the Belly to Belly... followed by the Recliner. Steiner wins.
-Steiner posed for a second. Grabbed the mic and told Flair that his time was up. He left the ring and took off.
-Meanwhile, Shane Douglas showed up and attacked Rection.
-He walked past the curtain... and bumped into Arn Anderson. Figuring that this will hurt Flair more than anything, he attacked Poor Arn... ( NOW ARN WAS SOMEONE WHO WOULD HAVE HANDED STEINER HIS LIVER NOT SO LONG AGO!!! DAMMIT!!)
-Steiner beat Arn down the ramp... (Arn was nice enough to roll most of the way... Steiner just worked a match, after all!). Madden quickly reminded us that Arn's neck is so F-ed up that any injury at all to it would result in possible paralysis).
-It entered the ring. I started screaming, "COME ON ANDERSON!!! JUST ONE LEFT HAND!!! JUST ONE SWING!!!"
-It wasn't mean to be. Steiner put Arn in the Recliner.
-Meanwhile, Flair REALLY AND TRULY WANTED to get out there... but he was held back by WCW Official FIT FINLAY! THE CEO... THE BIG BOSS... WAS HELD BACK BY AN UNDERLING!!! AN IRISH UNDERLING AT THAT!!! AN IRISH UNDERLING WHO'S STUILL NUMB BENEATH ONE KNEE!!!! ALRIGHT PAL, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITB THE REAL RIC FLAIR????? SONAFABITCH!!!! THE GHOST OF THE HORSEMEN HAVE FINALLY DISINTERGRATED INTO ECTOPLASMIC, COSMIC, DUST!!!!! IT'S OVER.
-Suddenly, Goldberg ran out to make the save (Tony, and I am NOT KIDDING, "PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!"). He made it to the ring mat when...
-Luger TOTALLY blitzed him from the side. Beautiful WCW Camera work (ten years from now, you'll STILL be able to count on one hand the number of times I say that!) made it look like an awesome ambush!
-Luger clocked GB with a chair and worked on him. The camera stayed on this... and stayed on this... and stayed on this...
-while, and weren't allowed to see anything, Sid, WCW Security, and Flair ran out. Without looking at any other recap... I am GUESSING that a fan or two got too excited and ran into the ring to "save Arn" (doofus... not Arn, the supposed fan). The script was then tossed aside as all of the WCW staff ran out to deal with them.
-OR... it was just sloppy camera work... maybe the guy was too proud of himself for scoring that beautiful Luger slam to remember where the action was.
Either way... the show ended with a tremendous pile up in the ring.
Well, looks like we might get a pissed off Flair promo? Maybe even Arn might have something to say?
Think they are heading towards a Flair/Steiner showdown? It sure seems so, doesn't it?
Hey, RAW wins. WCW is building itself into something, but it still has a LOOOONG way to go. Don't start getting your undies in a bunch, kids. This company has a LOT to make up for.. and a LOT of talent to get the fans caring about. This will take a while.
Slow and steady wins the race... and if the fans are leaving RAW... they sure ain't heading to Nitro.
Closer time
So, with the exception of a very old Jerry Seinfeld routine on how ring ropes propel the wrestler back to his opponent, ("Oh no... inertia! Noooo!"), there never has been an actual "Wrestling Comedian". Al Isaacs is the closest we have, but his act has nothing to do with wrestling. With that in mind, I wondered what a "Wrestling Stand-Up" would talk about. How much would he break Kayfabe? How would it play out. How goofy would a "Smark" Comic be? With that in mind, I present to you, complete with rim shots...
WRESTLING: LIVE FROM THE CATSKILLS!
-Good evening! Valets and Gay Bookers! Sell my Chairshot... please! (ba-DUM-dum)
-My wife told me that she wanted to become a wrestler. She said, "Why not? I fake everything else!" YOW
-I came home from a tour one day and found my wife in bed with Ric Flair! I said, "Darling, that's not the Figure Four!" HEY!
-Wrestling is a funny sport. Nowhere else do they make you practice mic work on a road agent's penis. ZAP!
-I told my Wife that my new finisher would be the Sleeper Hold. She said, "You're gonna have sex with your opponent?" BANG!
-Oh you're a great crowd. I haven't heard a pop like this since Madden's pants let go after spending 2 hours at the Buffet table. HO
-And how about that Triple H, huh? I haven't seen a blade on a face like that since Cactus and Funk went at it in Japan. HE HO!!
-I don't want to say that Ric Flair is old, but that lump on his back just put a down payment on a Condo in Florida. HEY NOW!
-Ahh, my Wife is a real beaut. Last night, after we made love, I turned to her and said, "If I wanted to hump a dead person, I would have married the Undertaker!"
-My son went up to me and asked, "Dad, why do you fake punched at your opponents, but throw real punches at me?" I tell him "Son, my opponents might be scum sucking, lowlife, sadistic turds who only live to see that I am crippled or dead for the rest of their life, but at least they clean their rooms!" CHA-CHING!
-I tell ya, the worse part of this business is when the chain you keep hidden in your tights wraps around your pecker! HOO
-Or how about when the brass knuckles go up your bum? WOW.
-And how about that ECW? Once a month, you can go into Philadelphia and watch bodies flying, people crashing into tables, people assaulted by flaming baseball bats, bloody heaps of humanity caught up in barbed wire. Then you can pay for a ticket and see the show. YESSIR!!
-I don't want to say that ECW is in dire straits, but I just saw New Jack on the street with a sign that read, "Will slice you're fat son's forehead for food". HUZZA
-How about those Filthy Animals? Two Mexicans, a Jew, and a Black Girl? I don't know whether to cheer them, or to re-start the Third Reich. HEY COME ON!!!
-I don't want to say that Torrie Wilson's dumb, but when I asked her where the weirdest place she's ever gotten a pop, she answered, "In the butt." YOWZA
-That Sting, boy. He went from being a happy, cheerful, peppy youngster to a pale, depressed, miserable figure. What I want to know is... how long has he been eating my Wife's cooking? HUWAA
-I came home one night! My wife looked at me and asked "You must be happy to see me!" I looked down and said, "No, it's just my foreign object!" HAACHAA
-Hey pal, is that a foreign object in your pants or are you just happy to see me? ZING
-I don't want to say that Wrestling is a GAY sport... but when I first walked into a locker room I thought I died and went to Rock Hudson's Heaven by mistake! WHOO
-You've been a tremendous audience!! Please, make it to the next arena safely. Tip the waitresses and please, please... do not share Steroid needles! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!
Well... a-hem... I guess now we know why there is no "Wrestler's Comic"... I guess we also know why I have no plans on quitting my day job.
Eh... I'll give it a solid B-. Some clunkers in there... but some serviceable entries too.
Of course, with people being so apathetic towards WCW as of late, I suppose few people are actually reading this half of the Mop-Up.
Ah well.
I've got nothing left to say.
well... except to remind you all that YOU SUCK!!!!
Heh
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